Yay! it's 10:09am and I am still sitting in front of my pc in my room!
I really hope this can work... Sending... sending... still sending... SENT!
whee.... let's see.

I don't seem to be good enough for You.
I don't know the way you see me.
It seems so far away in the galaxy that I can only watch but not feel.
My hands are dry and my feet are tired.

I keep running but it isn't heading anywhere.
Till I kneel down to You and cry out loud.
Tears rolled down these cheeks of mine.
Shouting out to You in my heart, questioning You of what You have for me. What?? what??
Do You actually care?

I don't seem to shine for You.
I don't seem to glorify You.
I don't seem to obey You.
I don't seem to trust You that much...
Do You still want me?

But... what are my now? Who are my? I lost myself...
I'm so unworthy and I don't deserve all these.
How? Should I do something about it? Like what?

I dreamt. Dreamt about many things. Human beings, creatures and plants. All together in one dream. Maybe I should dream for You... and I want to. Dream big..

Hey there, It's been really long that I did't blog.
Many things have changed within just a few weeks. In terms of people and environment.

I went back home for less than a week before I started working as an intern. Being at home was nice. I'd been preparing for my internship back home, filling up the forms, open up EPF accounts and stuff like that. Seeing families and friends. One thing though, I didn't stop by to see grandpa's grave.

I've started with my internship in DaimlerChrysler, since the 15th of January '07. For that, I moved to Kelana Jaya for good, with the rental of rm 300 disregard the fussy house owner. ><" . Goodo housemates =) . I started going to work by the train early in the morning like... 8? yeah. It's a nice environment to work with. Nice people. I am glad that I am here. Working... until 8pm? yeah, most of the time. Going from Kelana Jaya to Kerinchi by LRT takes about 20 mins. Convenient.

Menara TM is a nice place, for it's SkyGarden I suppose. I'd taken some of the picture, nice view of KL. See lah, if I get to upload them. Learned pretty much stuff. The best thing is that I get to learn and I have a pretty good boss. yeah, unless they are willing to teach me things generously. I just hope that I could learn things fast, do things efficiently... being productive. Yeah.

Okay, let's talk about my house. My house owners consist of 3 persons - the mother(75?), father(80++) and the daughter(40?). Imagine this: an old lady checking out your room moving things around the house(even though thats your things!) giving insructions on how you should NOT put your things your own way... nagging:" So untidy!! So untidy!!" all times when she is around. You will die of suffocation. Luckily I only met her once in the house. she normally drops by once or twice a week. I can't imagine how novell and annie could stand it. The house is full of doors and locks! Guess the house owners are so paranoid. kekeke... To wash and to dry your clothes, you need to open up 7 doors with 3 of them with pad locks. I kid you not.

Working life is fun... but sometimes it is a little bit lonely. yeah. just that. It takes a little bit of adaptation... Just a bit...

Thats all for now I guess. Ciaoz!


On the night that I moved in to the house, I found Ringgit Malaysia 400, 10 Pounds, and 2 Singapore Dollar. Cool? but I return the money back to the house owner already. +_+*

It's 30th of December 2006.
A year yang sungguh berliku-liku.

Grandpa just passed away 13 days ago. I guess he is in heaven with God... probably having lunch with Him.

The last class has ended and I probably won't have the chance to be sitting in class... listening to lecture... walk around the campus, to the book store, to the lecturers' room, checking marks, wander around central plaza to check out the interesting booths... sit down at "FCM garden(which looks like a condemned place with a few trees dying)" in FCM, go up to the roof top to see the sky...

I got a place for internship. Time for me to face the real world. I am excited and anticipated to work, but there are still certain fears that I need to overcome. By God grace I hope I can.

I'd learn about myself, my own feelings. It's like looking at a dirty mirror which I can't really see it clearly, and I tried to clean it up with my might to see even clearer.
There are so many sides of me which I don't understand and I'm trying to accept.
God made me this way.

There are bonds that has already broken and is trying to be reconciled once again. It's a delicate thing, very delicate. Heart has been broken to be molded up again into a better one and tears has been shed and collected to be remembered as a reminder. At least that is what I believe. We fall, we learn and we run again. With courage and perseverance.

There are so many joy to love and to be loved. I truly thank God for the people that has been giving their support all the way till today. The friendship that is truly blessed and worth celebrate for. People that you feel comfortable to be hoo-haa, to be quiet, to cry, to hug, to lean on, to be upset with, to smile at, to laugh with, to tease... like a pillar to cling on when you need one. They are people who became my city of refuge... the "by default"... All I wish is to be the "by default" too! and It is a joy for me. Thanks for giving the space for me to be me.

Thank You Lord, for the waters and sunshines that make me grow. Thank You for the unfailing love for an unlovable like me. I am so unworthy but You love me. I am smaller than a little dot in this world but You love me. Thank You Lord for letting me know that I am Your daughter. Hopefully next year I can grow even stronger in You.

muahahha... I kept thinking of what to get for my dearly loved friends and I never got to think of what I wanted. Christmas is over. Nvm, let this be a dream then.

1. A car
2. Timberland boots
3. New snickers
4. Lomo LC-A+
5. Canon G7
6. CG books
7. Teva sandals

whoa... if I want it all... I can be broke. hehe...

Grandpa... I know I wasnt too good to you back then. I knew that this day is coming and it just did. I still don't know how to react. I've been ignoring the feeling of missing you until... until I realised that i won't be seeing you anymore this new year. Not anymore in the future but in heaven. My heart sank when I knew that I cant go back to see you for the last time. I am sorry. I miss you grandpa. I really do.

I never sing for you as I remembered. Your ears wasnt that young anymore and theres no point singing for you coz you cant hear it anyway. I still remember times when you still ride your black old bicycle to town... brought back sweets for us everytime we went over to visit you. I still remember the time when you bring me on your bicycle... Day goes by, I grew up and you got older and older. You forget my name and I just have to remind you.. who am I everytime I went back. The last time I was there, you dont even know who are my. I messages your back when it aches...I remembered that I told you that you are gonna see me get married and have kids then you smile back at me. You want me to study hard and be good girl. I still remember that I play around you during new year begging you for ang pow and more ang pows! That was fun...

The last time I went back, I took a few pictures of you... and now, all I have of you are those memories and those pictures that I have. Now hat you are in heaven, I wonder how are you. Good bye grandpa. Phylli loves you.

Close to God > Faith > Spiritual giftings!

It is not my fault for being hyper!!! It is just... ME. I don't mind getting the blame IF I did it. BUT the thing is I DID NOT! The worst thing is when other people got involved and be blamed just simply because I moved too much?! @*(*#49$#&@^#****... This is so stupid.

Wow... This reminds me of my dad. Although I am not disabled but I guess my papa have always keep himself strong for me. The first time when I fainted in school, I saw him rushing towards the teacher office through the canteen's counter. Then, he ran over for me, gently wipe away the minyak kapak on my forehead (coz he knew I can't stand it) and he carried me in his arms to the car.. and rushed to the hospital. I saw his face... and I still remember everything.

[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]
I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay For their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in Marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a Wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and Pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back Mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. On a bike. Makes Taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.
This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him Brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an Institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes Followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the Engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was Anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a Lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed Him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his Head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the School organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want To do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran More than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he Tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore For two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, It felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly Shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a Single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then They found a way to get into the race Officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the Qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he Was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick Tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud Getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you Think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with A cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best Time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world Record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to Be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the Time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a Mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''

Do you still remember the princess knight?
Strong from the outside but soft inside
I saw her eyes with tears that night
Waiting for the skies to be bright
And she will be brave again to fight

Today, I had a great day... but the last part was a bit tragic.
I went shopping!! with good companies. I've got Christmas prezzies for people that are dear to me!

Hmmm... Other than that part which was the nice one, the tragic part was that I saw how one of my close friend was in pain. My heart just... I don’t know. It was sweating. I looked at her... thinking what I can do to cut down that pain. I acted calm. It somehow reflected to me that this was the same situation when I was in pain, and how my friends were actually feeling. I was trying to think of how my friends would do to help when I was in pain... Always, it's been me who was having that kind of pain. I really don’t know how... Actal? Can work or not? I would just feed myself with Tracilloc(same kind of medicine like Actal which I have), or rather will I just want to be quiet and not be touched by anybody to not increase the level of pain, or just... Yea, I tried to think of all the solutions. Since young, my tummy is always giving me so much trouble. I even fainted because of the Ultimate Superb Tum Tum Pain which the doctors would name it as GASTRIC. After the calculation, I faint one time per annum. It could happen in the house, with people around and... When I was all alone. The first time was in primary 4. Tragic. And today, I saw how she was in pain and I can do nothing but pray to God to take it away. When she said:" I am so sorry to make you guys worried about me" and “Thanks guys..." in her weak voice, I was like... "aiyoyo... :( hey, you deserve this much of worries and no need to thank me alright...*sayang*" Aiyah... the thing is you feel even more worried.

Feeling sick without your family around is no joke. You feel like crying like a kid but yet you need to be strong for yourself and you will keep telling yourself that the pain will be over soon coz the time is ticking and I just have to wait for time to pass. One thing is that I actually wanted to just faint and get well right after that... On another hand you don't want your friends to worry about you... then you will try so hard to act like you are NOT too painful because when you are in such a pain and when you see them worrying about you.

I hate when my body goes wrong. Its really something that makes you feel so weak physically and mentally torturous as well. The feeling... so hopeless... so so hopeless. Nobody can actually cut down the level of pain that you are actually bearing. The only thing that friends can do is just stay there and make sure you are still conscious. =( Sayang... *blink blink*

Dear God, thank You for watching over me and people that are dear to me. Please grant them good health and stronger immune system to fight whatever threads that will or might attack their body. No matter where we are, God please you continue watch over us. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Today I heard about her dreams. How things turned up for her. From young till now where she is 21. She came from a OK family in terms of financial and background. The father works as a supervisor from some big company.
The mother works as a clerk from some famous company as well.

I heard about how she was given the freedom when she was in high school and how she turned ribelious, how she influence the others or rather, the others wanted to be influenced by her, how she chose her path for her own education, how the parents taught her, how the parents listened and how they let her be what she wanted to be.

We shared our dreams and what we want to be in the future. She is glad how she was brought up by the parents. She is glad that she was rebelious at a point of her life. She is glad of where she is now. I got to know that she plays the piano, the drums, the guitar like how much I know the piano, the drums and the guitar. I was amazed. She loves to sing too and the thing is she can sing!!! Phreaky tho. A bit.

It's really nice to know someone... like someone that you already been together for 3 years in uni and yet... at the last semester that we could be still in campus so much within few weeks. I am glad.

I am glad that the class got closer at least at this last semester of us being in the campus. *me smiled* Today is like Hari Integrasi for me. Thanks to Prof. Sh*tty for the loooooong classes. We manage to go out and had dinner for the first time. Those from peninsular, those from the Borneo (The Land of beauty or I said it as the most beautiful island in the world); all the different races together! I wonder why we only stick with our own gangs for the past few years. I think I am gonna miss uni life. Whether it's the sh*tty ones or the good ones. I am glad that I enjoy the bits and pieces of them. I hope the night out that we planned in Sh*tty's class will be a success. We hardly got out together as a class, all the gedeks. I look forward for that. Don't 'Fong Fei Kei' alright??!! Don't lar plan so hard then tak pi kan? Hari tu kata nak pi PD pun tak jadi. Tak best lar kan?!.. Seelar, next semester we are gonna be scattered all over the places... I don't know where will I be.

I will miss uni life... I am sure I will... All the best people!

Tonight, I go down to tears
When I face all my fears

I thought You don't want me anymore
I thought it's just me who's bearing the sore

I look out to the dusk
You coloured them orange and gold

I sit down and hear
Hear the creatures sing
with life and without life
Why should I fear?

I stunted
when I see Your smile in the clouds
Hinting me that's just a treasure hunt
Seek them the treasures which are covered with shrouds

Covered with the precious jewels
You made them all beautiful
I reach out my arms to You
My Lord, the One who rules

I sing praise to You
with all the creatures
You beyond all measures
The One who is true

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

Its all phatic
or I take it fanatic
or you can say its pathetic

When things go critical
Its something practical
to fill yourself with all the menthol
Then you'll feel like you are on the go
to face your goals

Sometimes you feel unconcious
then its time you need to be pretentious
When you ask for a cause
then i will start to pause

one said pause not for too long
one wished your mode is play
end not with the wrong song
start not with just pencils or clay

Quiet at this moment
I could just wonder
With all Your mercy and grace
It just makes me ponder

There is nothing I can do
but to tell You
There is nothing I can do
but to listen and hope

You are wonderfully awesome
so unpredictable
when the skies are dark and grey
You send the light to show the way

You are wonderfully awesome
so unpredictable
to lead and guide me through
to tell me I'm Your children

You are wonderfully awesome
so unpredictable
all I need to do
is to turn back to Your open arms

I need words

As wide as sky

I need language large as

this longing inside

Bigger than mine

and I need a song to sing You

That I've yet to find

Blog can kill. It hurts people when you aren't cautious enough. It announces things. We never know who is reading it. We never know how people interpret things. You may misunderstand what I blogged. I might be talking about one thing or person, but yet other people might thought that it is talking about another thing and another person. So, in the end another person gets the hurt. Blog let one express him or herself in her or his own words. As a reader, you be thankful to be able to read and know more about that person. But if you got anything to say, leave something in the comment box la, or talk straight away in her or his face.

Sometimes, people don’t seem the same ... as what they wrote in their blog. I mean... their blog doesn't portray what they are in real life. Or, they can express much much more through their blog and shows the real them. Nobody to talk to, talk to the blog. Some people would just wanna sit quietly and tell their stories. Well, I think it makes one know more about themselves when they blog.

It is hard to avoid getting too personal when blogging. So I keep a journal too. It's good to write things down. We can listen to our inner voice and know what is within our heart. Sometimes, we just buried them deep down and shut them up. Sometimes, I just feel good to write things down in a journal. You see yourself through it.

"Yay!!! Merdeka!!!"
"Happy holiday!"

End of finals everyone cheered. As for me, I missed one of my paper- BPO(operating and production management). I overslept on that morning and I wasn't too well. It's almost 4 years, 4 years!! Hari ini dalam sejarah...How on earth this thing could happened on me?!! I took a look at the paper after my friend took it and it was easy! All the effort of studying it went down the drain just because I overslept. I met Prof. Shetty on the next day.
He asked:" I didn't see you yesterday. Where have you been?"
Phylli:" I was sick sir."
Prof. Shetty:" The paper was easy! You should have just come and sit in!"
Phylli:"..." (in her mind"I KNOW!!!sigh...")
Prof.Shetty:" So, you still have any other paper?"
Phylli:"Yes sir, one supplementary paper"
Prof.Shetty:" Aah...I see I see"

Holiday??? *Sigh* So, it's nothing to be too happy about. Of course I too celebrated the feast of examination ends with my coursemates and friends, but for them it's all done! no more BPO paper. Good thing is that I'd MC so that I can still sit in for supplementary paper without fear of just getting a C+ and I got more time to study. Hmmm... yea, so to say just to comfort myself.