Do you ever doubt your existance? I always do and I question. But today it became real.
Why were we created in the first place into this sinful world and already have sin in us without us making the choice to come on earth. Then strive to survive but yet through sufferings without giving us a chance then to die in the end? Everyone will die. Every season is a new chapter in life. but at the end it is always death.
Why would You create us into sin and yet said You love us? You said for those who believe in you shall have abundant life but the truth is... it's so much pain.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
Here comes the time for uncertainty to sink in. It is exciting but yet scary. You never know what is ahead of you and what is to come.
Your mind became another you that speaks all kinds of what if into you. Why are there so much of these frustrations within?
I need grace, I need assurance, I need strength. I need You. Apart from You, I can do nothing.
I realised that I have not blog for a long time. 20 days to be exact. There's a saying about one doing something for 21 days then it will become a habit. :P
I was testing out the Dicapac underwater casing with my Panasonic Lumix FX-33 couple of weeks back. But of course it is not for diving purposes. Less than 10 meters maybe? The picture looks great.
Yes! What on earth is happening? I am too busy to blog lately. Haven't even got the time. Work, thinking about Chikuchiku, going for photography workshop, parents and sis visiting, building up a new website... unending.
Well, mainly about work. I don't think I even got the time for toilet break. Why so busy? What so busy at work? Well, we rolled out a new product called Performance Network couple of months back and now it is fully activated. We are going on full throttle.
The other day, I went to Shootfest001: The Wedding. It was really cool. Now I see photography in a different light, and I think I can do much more than the conventional photography and do it my style. One of the most inspiring talk was by Jenny Sun. WHY? because... she started her photography business with just a Canon 350D and a standard kit lens. Moral of the story is, you gotta start somewhere.
Oops. I think Paddy had just got herself in trouble. heh.
Sometimes it takes a lot to be able to look straight into a person's eyes. It could be just some people who just have the "energy" to make another person feel small. Hmm.. or it's just in my mind.
I have a friend who tell me that she has got no self confident. She thinks she has no value as a person. Not worth anything at all. From her, I saw so much of me in the past. Well, when I feel depressed or when I am down, I do think that I am not worthy and that sort of things. But I guess living in No.63, I learnt so much about how I am worthy in God's eyes. Knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made! and I am bought by the blood of Christ! Everyone. Every soul are! Telling my friend that... I mean, I fully understand how she felt.
I think about the Dalit kids every now and then. and I wonder sometimes, how would anyone ever give up on another person. Be it family, friends, kids... How would people look down on another, thinking that they are more superior, higher in status... Yes, you may have all the wealth in the world, wearing British India outfit, Salvatore Ferragamo leather shoes, Burberry scarf, wearing Tag Heuer watch, carrying a Mac Book Pro, maybe you're a CEO of some public listed company... driving a Mercedes SL 65 AMG... but those are the things that make you look better. Just because you have the access and money to higher education... doesn't put you as "the better" person. All these are not the things that make you who you are. The heart is the one matter most.
Everyone has their worth considering that we were created by the loving hands of God. Only He can fill your heart and when you know that truth. It just make your world a whole lot more nicer.
Had a presentation in CBC today. Hope people are ministered. Owh. Tougue tight... terrible feeling it was. Well, at least I get to say what I need to say. If possible, I wanna share with my church as well.
I am not sure about the rest of the world but of all my trips I would say life is fragile in India. In other words, it's easier to die in India. Every single moment if you are on the street, it will be freaking packed with people, vehicles and more vehicles! Cars(a lot of them are small cars), auto-rickshaw(go google if you don't know), bicycles, buses, trucks... owh and this was the first time ever I sat in a plane with so many Indians. Almost all of them. Went to visit school in Pellakur where some of the Dalits kids are supported by Malaysians. These people, their parents only earns about 50-60 Indian Rupees which is equivalent to RM4 a day. We were interviewing them and one of the question was: What is your favourite food? They stop and think for a while then they answers are: rice water and salt!!! Then figured that they don't even have enough food how would they have favourite food?!! These kids would eat leftover rice with salt and water for breakfast and have their lunch (provided by the school) in school and that's all for a day. Lunch would be rice, dhall and one egg.
Kids who had studied in that school for 5 ,6 years can at least converse in english. See, education is the only way to give them better life, a life out of poverty and even cast out the caste system. Did I say cast out? well... *ahem* Say if they can get into college... Life would be different. They will be able to fight for themselves. Still many of them.. the younger ones, still are not able to understand English soo we talk and the teacher will translate. Funny enough sometimes, when I speak in english and they would reply me in their Telugu. haha.
Went to visit the kids' family in one of the Dalit's village. One boy from 6th class - I would name him Baboo. He lives in that village and he became our translater. Their houses are really small. Small as the size of a car parking lot. Cook, sleep, eat, all are done in the house. As we walk pass a house, a mother holding a baby came out to see. A little girl was following behind. Somehow she has skin colour like mine. So, Baboo asked:" Do you like her skin colour?" I answered:" I like yours" Then he asked again:"So do you think Jesus would like mine or hers?" I said:"BOTH". My heart torn apart when he asks this. I mean... This little boy was trying to understand the love of God.
There was so much joy as I ran with them in the village. Laughed with them as I was tring to say the word ''buffalo'' in Telugu. Prayed with them with our shawl covering our head. Took their photos as they tried to fit into my camera lens. THese kids, just like any other kids, they are eager to learn, playful, love to have fun, innocent and adorable. Nothing that is in them that make them any lesser than anybody. I feel this much for these people, how much more do you think God feel for them? I've always do my self-searching thing. Learn to know my identity in Christ. I mean, if these kids found their identity in Christ, they will be able to live with dignity. When I tell them say Jesus loves you. I don't know whether they ever know what love is about. Jesus loves you? Only God will let them see. Really. [Dalits or better known as The Untouchables, according the caste system, as unclean and less than human. They have to bow and face down when they see people from the upper caste. There are a few caste all together but the Dalits, has no caste at all. They have no access to education, water, medical...]
Later on, on the day during the last trip to the school, we met an auto rickshaw accident. There were the school manager couple and their 2 kids(4 and 1 1/2) also the auto driver. We over took the bullock cart, and as there was a big truck coming on the opposite direction, we lost control and went all the way to the other side of the road and tipped over on the gravel. If we were slower, we could have been hit by the truck. If we were a little bit faster, we would went downwards and it would be very bad. yeh. so, we tipped over on the left side. So happened I was on the right side. I don't know how it happened but I was hanging on to the side, saw the baby face flat on the ground but I couldn't let go else I would fall on her. I manage to climb out as soon as I can. People in the bricks making factory came so quickly. They were moving the whole thing up... People fall out the auto and Pari almost but she couldn't coz the thing were going up. She got the baby and tried balance herself in the auto. Someone took the baby away from her. That moment, I realised the auto was accelerating. I panic like a prawn. Pulling the auto like mad shouting"stop!!! stop!!!" heh. So men came and pull the rickshaw with me as the driver went back up to stop it. It took quite a while. Owh boy. Thaaat was crazy. The mother was stunt sitting down on the side of the road. we got the baby and the boy. The baby girl has got dirt over her face small tiny scratch on her forehead. So then later on some people tried to hold the mother up aaaand... her arm went out of how a normal arm should be. OWH. After that.. we took another auto and went to clinic #1, no doctor. Clinic #2, doctor did pain killer, put papan on top and bottom of her arm, holding them with bandages and then ask her to go to town for operation. That town, 2 1/2 or 3 hours away? The mother broke her arm, baby with a small scratch on her head.. and the rest were perfectly fine.
That night, we took a overnight train to Hyderabad. The accident scenes kept coming back to me. I remembered asking Pari about the accident rate in India. Now that we joke about it saying our India experience is now complete. =) I knew God was with us that very moment. We were spared. Yay!
Thanks for those who made this happen. Really. Here are some of my favourite photos. Hope you would enjoy it =) Owh, by the way. I will have some of the India photos to be blown up. WoohoO!
Singapore. My second time being here. Both times as a stop to the next destination and this time for a big day which is today.
It makes me wonder how will I be when I get to that age. I guess other than getting older, you get to experience much more about life? Death, new born, weddings, pain and laughter... that kinda thing? You get to know how to make decisions correctly? Becoming less of a risk taker? They kept saying about looking back 10 years ago... 20 years ago... It does sounds really far away to me.
Yeh, am about to go back to Malaysia tomorrow morning. India. India was really an amazing trip. I would say eventful. I lost my phone on the first day in Chennai. Met an auto rickshaw accident(the lorry was so close) So many what if... Worst case... we could have possibly die. The best thing was to see the kids. So many faces. I remember them. Hopefully I will still be able to remember their names. Because of the accident, we didn't manage to get to the school to say bye. Maybe I will come back again.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
So many things had been done /to be done prior to the trip. So much work loads, so many meetings, so many errands to run, so many things in my mind. But other than those, I know I am ready.
Was talking to a friend last night. Talked about the past, if we talk about lessons in life, I guess have learned it the hard way. Many crazy or rather stupid things that I've done. "You only young once" kinda thing. I have been doing things on my own way, taking care of myself... along the way so many mistakes... trial then error. heh. Things that I would rather keep for myself. Things that changed my perception about people and things that bring down my trust on people.
Yes, I might look like I have lots of confidence in me. But to be really honest, there are a lot of times that I am unsure about myself, thinking that I am so different from people that's around me. Being quite a weirdo among friends or even among family members which I don't quite look like or behave like. Always thinking it's so not cool being different from them. Feeling small being with some friends sometimes. How do I feel, how do I repond to things, react maybe... Sometimes feeling emo also, I don't really know why. I tried to be "normal". Normal in the sense of how I think others think as normal. Feeling sucky at times, thinking I am not worthy of living... and so on.
Well, I am on a journey of discovering myself. And accepting the past and myself of who I am. Because I am a human created by God. I know it will take a long while more till I know who I really am, what I really want, how I feel, why... and so on. At least an answer to myself.
It is a good feeling to be able to accept who you are. I am accepting the pieces of myself.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
Hehe... some really funny comment about the photographer. OOOPS! hehehhe... It was that split second... can't care much about pose and style. hahahaha... can't get over it...
But at the end of the day... I know and believe deep inside that You are GOD and You are faithful.
Sooo GREAT and MIGHTY. AND I know You are a SOVEREIGN GOD. No one else can take that out of my mind. WooHoo!!
Everytime when I raise my voice, lift up my hands, I feel like I wanna take off my shoes, put my knees down because of WHO YOU ARE. Your GRACE so great that it's unconditional. and YOU a great GOD, so big, the One who created the UNIVERSE... would pay attention to me?! such tiny, such small... just one out of sooo many human beings but YOU CARE.
You look into my heart rather than what I am, whether or not I comb my hair, or whether or not I wear my best clothes, whether or not I behave well like an angel for the past weeks. You LOOK into my heart. THAT meant a lot to me.
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Hey, if you are really interested in Audio, Video and Photography, the CHARGEUP! Conference is back. The only thing is that this year, it will be in PENANG!!!
Aiyoyo. I may not be able to go.
BUT for those who want to go, DON'T THINK . JUST GO! The registration is often at the point where it is bursting. I am pretty sure that you will be benefited a lot from it. Come back and share what you have gained. Oogie... If you have not heard about it, click on the link and check it out now!
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