It's 30th of December 2006.
A year yang sungguh berliku-liku.

Grandpa just passed away 13 days ago. I guess he is in heaven with God... probably having lunch with Him.

The last class has ended and I probably won't have the chance to be sitting in class... listening to lecture... walk around the campus, to the book store, to the lecturers' room, checking marks, wander around central plaza to check out the interesting booths... sit down at "FCM garden(which looks like a condemned place with a few trees dying)" in FCM, go up to the roof top to see the sky...

I got a place for internship. Time for me to face the real world. I am excited and anticipated to work, but there are still certain fears that I need to overcome. By God grace I hope I can.

I'd learn about myself, my own feelings. It's like looking at a dirty mirror which I can't really see it clearly, and I tried to clean it up with my might to see even clearer.
There are so many sides of me which I don't understand and I'm trying to accept.
God made me this way.

There are bonds that has already broken and is trying to be reconciled once again. It's a delicate thing, very delicate. Heart has been broken to be molded up again into a better one and tears has been shed and collected to be remembered as a reminder. At least that is what I believe. We fall, we learn and we run again. With courage and perseverance.

There are so many joy to love and to be loved. I truly thank God for the people that has been giving their support all the way till today. The friendship that is truly blessed and worth celebrate for. People that you feel comfortable to be hoo-haa, to be quiet, to cry, to hug, to lean on, to be upset with, to smile at, to laugh with, to tease... like a pillar to cling on when you need one. They are people who became my city of refuge... the "by default"... All I wish is to be the "by default" too! and It is a joy for me. Thanks for giving the space for me to be me.

Thank You Lord, for the waters and sunshines that make me grow. Thank You for the unfailing love for an unlovable like me. I am so unworthy but You love me. I am smaller than a little dot in this world but You love me. Thank You Lord for letting me know that I am Your daughter. Hopefully next year I can grow even stronger in You.

muahahha... I kept thinking of what to get for my dearly loved friends and I never got to think of what I wanted. Christmas is over. Nvm, let this be a dream then.

1. A car
2. Timberland boots
3. New snickers
4. Lomo LC-A+
5. Canon G7
6. CG books
7. Teva sandals

whoa... if I want it all... I can be broke. hehe...

Grandpa... I know I wasnt too good to you back then. I knew that this day is coming and it just did. I still don't know how to react. I've been ignoring the feeling of missing you until... until I realised that i won't be seeing you anymore this new year. Not anymore in the future but in heaven. My heart sank when I knew that I cant go back to see you for the last time. I am sorry. I miss you grandpa. I really do.

I never sing for you as I remembered. Your ears wasnt that young anymore and theres no point singing for you coz you cant hear it anyway. I still remember times when you still ride your black old bicycle to town... brought back sweets for us everytime we went over to visit you. I still remember the time when you bring me on your bicycle... Day goes by, I grew up and you got older and older. You forget my name and I just have to remind you.. who am I everytime I went back. The last time I was there, you dont even know who are my. I messages your back when it aches...I remembered that I told you that you are gonna see me get married and have kids then you smile back at me. You want me to study hard and be good girl. I still remember that I play around you during new year begging you for ang pow and more ang pows! That was fun...

The last time I went back, I took a few pictures of you... and now, all I have of you are those memories and those pictures that I have. Now hat you are in heaven, I wonder how are you. Good bye grandpa. Phylli loves you.

Close to God > Faith > Spiritual giftings!

It is not my fault for being hyper!!! It is just... ME. I don't mind getting the blame IF I did it. BUT the thing is I DID NOT! The worst thing is when other people got involved and be blamed just simply because I moved too much?! @*(*#49$#&@^#****... This is so stupid.

Wow... This reminds me of my dad. Although I am not disabled but I guess my papa have always keep himself strong for me. The first time when I fainted in school, I saw him rushing towards the teacher office through the canteen's counter. Then, he ran over for me, gently wipe away the minyak kapak on my forehead (coz he knew I can't stand it) and he carried me in his arms to the car.. and rushed to the hospital. I saw his face... and I still remember everything.

[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]
I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay For their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in Marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a Wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and Pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back Mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. On a bike. Makes Taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.
This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him Brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an Institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes Followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the Engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was Anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a Lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed Him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his Head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the School organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want To do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran More than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he Tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore For two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, It felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly Shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a Single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then They found a way to get into the race Officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the Qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he Was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick Tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud Getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you Think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with A cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best Time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world Record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to Be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the Time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a Mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''

Do you still remember the princess knight?
Strong from the outside but soft inside
I saw her eyes with tears that night
Waiting for the skies to be bright
And she will be brave again to fight

Today, I had a great day... but the last part was a bit tragic.
I went shopping!! with good companies. I've got Christmas prezzies for people that are dear to me!

Hmmm... Other than that part which was the nice one, the tragic part was that I saw how one of my close friend was in pain. My heart just... I don’t know. It was sweating. I looked at her... thinking what I can do to cut down that pain. I acted calm. It somehow reflected to me that this was the same situation when I was in pain, and how my friends were actually feeling. I was trying to think of how my friends would do to help when I was in pain... Always, it's been me who was having that kind of pain. I really don’t know how... Actal? Can work or not? I would just feed myself with Tracilloc(same kind of medicine like Actal which I have), or rather will I just want to be quiet and not be touched by anybody to not increase the level of pain, or just... Yea, I tried to think of all the solutions. Since young, my tummy is always giving me so much trouble. I even fainted because of the Ultimate Superb Tum Tum Pain which the doctors would name it as GASTRIC. After the calculation, I faint one time per annum. It could happen in the house, with people around and... When I was all alone. The first time was in primary 4. Tragic. And today, I saw how she was in pain and I can do nothing but pray to God to take it away. When she said:" I am so sorry to make you guys worried about me" and “Thanks guys..." in her weak voice, I was like... "aiyoyo... :( hey, you deserve this much of worries and no need to thank me alright...*sayang*" Aiyah... the thing is you feel even more worried.

Feeling sick without your family around is no joke. You feel like crying like a kid but yet you need to be strong for yourself and you will keep telling yourself that the pain will be over soon coz the time is ticking and I just have to wait for time to pass. One thing is that I actually wanted to just faint and get well right after that... On another hand you don't want your friends to worry about you... then you will try so hard to act like you are NOT too painful because when you are in such a pain and when you see them worrying about you.

I hate when my body goes wrong. Its really something that makes you feel so weak physically and mentally torturous as well. The feeling... so hopeless... so so hopeless. Nobody can actually cut down the level of pain that you are actually bearing. The only thing that friends can do is just stay there and make sure you are still conscious. =( Sayang... *blink blink*

Dear God, thank You for watching over me and people that are dear to me. Please grant them good health and stronger immune system to fight whatever threads that will or might attack their body. No matter where we are, God please you continue watch over us. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Today I heard about her dreams. How things turned up for her. From young till now where she is 21. She came from a OK family in terms of financial and background. The father works as a supervisor from some big company.
The mother works as a clerk from some famous company as well.

I heard about how she was given the freedom when she was in high school and how she turned ribelious, how she influence the others or rather, the others wanted to be influenced by her, how she chose her path for her own education, how the parents taught her, how the parents listened and how they let her be what she wanted to be.

We shared our dreams and what we want to be in the future. She is glad how she was brought up by the parents. She is glad that she was rebelious at a point of her life. She is glad of where she is now. I got to know that she plays the piano, the drums, the guitar like how much I know the piano, the drums and the guitar. I was amazed. She loves to sing too and the thing is she can sing!!! Phreaky tho. A bit.

It's really nice to know someone... like someone that you already been together for 3 years in uni and yet... at the last semester that we could be still in campus so much within few weeks. I am glad.

I am glad that the class got closer at least at this last semester of us being in the campus. *me smiled* Today is like Hari Integrasi for me. Thanks to Prof. Sh*tty for the loooooong classes. We manage to go out and had dinner for the first time. Those from peninsular, those from the Borneo (The Land of beauty or I said it as the most beautiful island in the world); all the different races together! I wonder why we only stick with our own gangs for the past few years. I think I am gonna miss uni life. Whether it's the sh*tty ones or the good ones. I am glad that I enjoy the bits and pieces of them. I hope the night out that we planned in Sh*tty's class will be a success. We hardly got out together as a class, all the gedeks. I look forward for that. Don't 'Fong Fei Kei' alright??!! Don't lar plan so hard then tak pi kan? Hari tu kata nak pi PD pun tak jadi. Tak best lar kan?!.. Seelar, next semester we are gonna be scattered all over the places... I don't know where will I be.

I will miss uni life... I am sure I will... All the best people!

Tonight, I go down to tears
When I face all my fears

I thought You don't want me anymore
I thought it's just me who's bearing the sore

I look out to the dusk
You coloured them orange and gold

I sit down and hear
Hear the creatures sing
with life and without life
Why should I fear?

I stunted
when I see Your smile in the clouds
Hinting me that's just a treasure hunt
Seek them the treasures which are covered with shrouds

Covered with the precious jewels
You made them all beautiful
I reach out my arms to You
My Lord, the One who rules

I sing praise to You
with all the creatures
You beyond all measures
The One who is true

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

Its all phatic
or I take it fanatic
or you can say its pathetic

When things go critical
Its something practical
to fill yourself with all the menthol
Then you'll feel like you are on the go
to face your goals

Sometimes you feel unconcious
then its time you need to be pretentious
When you ask for a cause
then i will start to pause

one said pause not for too long
one wished your mode is play
end not with the wrong song
start not with just pencils or clay

Quiet at this moment
I could just wonder
With all Your mercy and grace
It just makes me ponder

There is nothing I can do
but to tell You
There is nothing I can do
but to listen and hope

You are wonderfully awesome
so unpredictable
when the skies are dark and grey
You send the light to show the way

You are wonderfully awesome
so unpredictable
to lead and guide me through
to tell me I'm Your children

You are wonderfully awesome
so unpredictable
all I need to do
is to turn back to Your open arms

I need words

As wide as sky

I need language large as

this longing inside

Bigger than mine

and I need a song to sing You

That I've yet to find

Blog can kill. It hurts people when you aren't cautious enough. It announces things. We never know who is reading it. We never know how people interpret things. You may misunderstand what I blogged. I might be talking about one thing or person, but yet other people might thought that it is talking about another thing and another person. So, in the end another person gets the hurt. Blog let one express him or herself in her or his own words. As a reader, you be thankful to be able to read and know more about that person. But if you got anything to say, leave something in the comment box la, or talk straight away in her or his face.

Sometimes, people don’t seem the same ... as what they wrote in their blog. I mean... their blog doesn't portray what they are in real life. Or, they can express much much more through their blog and shows the real them. Nobody to talk to, talk to the blog. Some people would just wanna sit quietly and tell their stories. Well, I think it makes one know more about themselves when they blog.

It is hard to avoid getting too personal when blogging. So I keep a journal too. It's good to write things down. We can listen to our inner voice and know what is within our heart. Sometimes, we just buried them deep down and shut them up. Sometimes, I just feel good to write things down in a journal. You see yourself through it.

"Yay!!! Merdeka!!!"
"Happy holiday!"

End of finals everyone cheered. As for me, I missed one of my paper- BPO(operating and production management). I overslept on that morning and I wasn't too well. It's almost 4 years, 4 years!! Hari ini dalam sejarah...How on earth this thing could happened on me?!! I took a look at the paper after my friend took it and it was easy! All the effort of studying it went down the drain just because I overslept. I met Prof. Shetty on the next day.
He asked:" I didn't see you yesterday. Where have you been?"
Phylli:" I was sick sir."
Prof. Shetty:" The paper was easy! You should have just come and sit in!"
Phylli:"..." (in her mind"I KNOW!!!sigh...")
Prof.Shetty:" So, you still have any other paper?"
Phylli:"Yes sir, one supplementary paper"
Prof.Shetty:" Aah...I see I see"

Holiday??? *Sigh* So, it's nothing to be too happy about. Of course I too celebrated the feast of examination ends with my coursemates and friends, but for them it's all done! no more BPO paper. Good thing is that I'd MC so that I can still sit in for supplementary paper without fear of just getting a C+ and I got more time to study. Hmmm... yea, so to say just to comfort myself.

Life hasn't been easy. So much of war within. A part of me just doesn't want to let it be and another part of me says learn phylli, learn. Victory is infront of me, just that I have to go through it. It's just part and parcel of life isn't it? Fight phylli fight. It's either I die in war or I win the war.

It takes time. Well, everything takes time. Focus. I just need to focus. What are my talking? sigh. It's been soooo busy lately. The metal in my head too are busy jumping in my head. Jump and jump and jump... *ouch ouch ouch*

Little Ethan:) I was playing with him at the place where musicians normally hang around (behind there). Geez... I was just right infront of him doing the same action. We accidentaly made some noise, realising that people were still listening to Pastor Caleb, I quickly put my finger infront of my mouth and Ethan followed what I did!

Somehow people just forget that they once had that kind of smile, thoughts, expressions.. so genuinely from the bottom of the heart. well... like a kid. Jesus said:" Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kindom of heaven" He would like us to humble ourselves like children:) whoever humble themselves like children will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven!

Mr. Billy who were dead last week.

Meet Mr. Billy Junior!! He just got his organs transplanted.

woo hoo!!! After 1 day of reading 12 chapters, few hundreds pages on how to manage your business operation and production in theory, finally the mid test is over. Oh well, of course I did not finish it all. I picked what I think will come out. One whole day sitting in the room can make me go nuts. Many many cups of coffee kept me hyper the whole night. My tummy bloated like I'm pregnant for 3 months. Funny thing is that it was not pain at all. Crazy huh.. I took a picture of it simply to entertain myself. You might be laughing your head off by now... hehe...=)

Time to get back to books and notes. I can't stuck here forever. There are many things to be done. I know I can't stop. I can fight like a warrior. I don't know about tomorrow, but I know who holds my hand. Thank You Father for this wonderful song.

It took me a lot of courage to shut the door. It cannot be opened that easily anymore.

Today, I got to know that me and you broke up. I can't do anything to make you feel any better even though I wanted to.

Today, I got to know that me and you broke up. I can't do anything to make you feel any better even though I wanted to.

I am gonna cry no more. Well, I try not to. I am a brave girl! Yeah... live STRONG!

Phylli has a heart that cherishes her but at the same time the little heart break by itself. The little heart doesn't know it is capable of killing her by doing that. Pleading inside, Phylli asks it to stop.

Something bugs me. Today, yesterday... argh... recently.

Metal jumping in my brain. They can't stop. They just don't want to stop.

It's nothing wrong to have all. But it's just not right to have all.

I can't stop giving. I can't stop caring.

Me is me. Me weird. Me can't control.

Me don't wanna be so drama.

Me felt stupid.

Me don't wanna hurt anyone.

But at the same time, me... don't wanna hurt myself.

My ulcer paining. big big. It makes me headache. I couldn't talk properly. Let see how it looks like ok? Don't get disgusted. hehe... it is as big as my tooth.

Sometimes, women can be so confusing. All the time. Somehow at this point, I am. Why cautious? and... why not? How do I set a limit there? I have to be smart. The metal in my brain is jumping. It has to stop jumping all over my head. Wait... I need to look up. I better call Him up.

Last Saturday, my brother and I bought a SLR camera in Sg. Wang. The salesman got me a very cheap price at 3200 for that camera (body and lens). When Ben reached his room, he compared his camera with his friends' and he realized that the lens is different than the others. It was a lousier lens! The next day I called that person and ask him about it. He answered me that he couldn't change the lens for me unless I add another 650 for that camera. I argued with him on the phone twice... I got angry and upset after that. Really upset. I felt like I kena cheated!

I was on Doulos at that time. It ruined my mood and excitement. I tried so hard not to cry. I sms Noel telling him that I am upset. I was then outside the ship and I saw him standing at the deck outside of the kitchen wearing an apron. Seeing him, I know I missed him so much. Tear starts flowing out of my eyes. I couldn't hide them but lucky I was wearing my red cap and it covers my eyes. He saw me... And he quickly asked a person beside him whether he could just take a break. He took off his apron and passed it to the other person and he ran down to me. I wanted so much for his shoulder but he wasn’t allowed to do that since it is the rule of the ship. He looked at me and asked me gently:" Why? Darling…". Well, it is enough for him to just standing there and just to be there for me. Sigh... I miss him so much.

Noel and I started officially on 26-2-06, one year plus already. It was not easy for us to be together. Instead, it's really hard. We'd been going through such obstacles... It's a long story that I will not be able to describe it here but because of that our relationship became even stronger. Noel has been a super blessing to me, a special gift from God. He became my guide, decision analyst, sandbag... someone that became one big part of my life. Precious. We went to the same Christian Fellowship and at that time, I didn't know much about him. I remembered during CyberChristmas year 2005, I saw him performing on the stage. He was playing guitar while the spot light were focusing on him. At that moment, I felt like: “wow... this guy is just so "yao yeng" and very talented". Months after that I went to a camp in Kuala Selangor and he too went. That is where we got to know each other more... and later then, the chemical started mixing up together and heating up as well. hehehe... *blush* oh dear.

Relationship is just so complex that it brings all kinds of feeling to you. God be the head of our relationship and there is commitment between us. If not, very the hard. It is still not easy and there are things that shake me sometimes... I wouldn't know what is going to happen in the future. I am not that stable and I know you are worried at some point. Me too. I can get distracted easily. Well, looks like i got loads to learn isn't it? Love... It's not about changing each other, but learning to accept each other. It is about opportunity cost too.

One year ago

Recently

Imagine a heart-shaped container filled up with thankful liquid. Can you imagine that? That is how I feel inside my heart.
CDPC anniversary makes me filled up with thankfulness. Not only that, I am thankful for that very Sunday night. My Chinese Christian Fellowship had out own music cafe for the second time. It is called "LOVE Music Cafe" yeah, to tell people about the love from God. On that Sunday, I was singing in the morning in church and at night at the hall. Thank God for this wonderful gift and I know I need to use it for You. Sometimes, I sing out of tune on purpose. It sounds bad when I do that. Well, life wouldn't be so happy without singing.

We did Love Music Cafe once last year. CCF-ers come together makan, listen to nice songs and chit chat with each other... that was just nice. With a nice environment that we set up lights, little tables and nice back drop. This time, we make Love Music Cafe2 and we invite many freshies this time in a way to promote CCF and to know them. This time, we had a better one compared to last year. More people and we manage to tell them about Jesus. How Jesus makes changes in our lives. It turned out to be more like an evangelism kind of gathering. Well, just a little. I just hope we didn't scare away non-Christians. At the last song, I sang a love song to God, How could I live without you. Yah man, I would not be able to live without Him in my life, too many events that happened to me that I couln't count. After that event, after we done cleaning up the place, suddenly the strong wind blow like mad into the hall. The water in the pool was dancing. Wind blows on my face for so long. Wow, Thank God for that strong wind. It blows away all the tiredness.

The next day, I was sick. Thank God I got sick only after all the events.

People who came signed their name on this board.















From the left: Noel, Phyllis and Chee Meng.















This was made by my brother. Isn't it cool?!

CDPC stands for City Discipleship Presbyterian Church, it's not: 'Put Your CD Into Your PC'. But this is how we tought that dunno-our-church-name lady to announce our name during the Subang Parade performance. keke...

Last Sunday, it was CDPC 6th birthday. It was a great celebration as we brought a thankful heart before the Lord. I thank God that all the performances went well! It was really fun duet with Sarah Pastor told the church the history of CDPC and how God blesses the church till today. It started humbly at Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ in SS2, Petaling Jaya with a handful of people.

I started joining this church 2 years ago when I came to Cyberjaya. They send a van to MMU to fetch us every Saturday or Sunday. So, I go to CDPC. It is an English church; I mean... a church that communicates in English. At that time, I still bringing a Mandarin bible and there are some 'bible jargons' that I not familiar with. It's not easy for someone like me who had stick with Methodist for my 19 years of life to change to another denomination. Things have to go through a Mandarin processor to an English processor. Slowly, God lead me through that process of change steadily. Then, I asked God to let me serve in the church and He did. I started to serve in the worship team and at the same time, getting know more nice friends in church. Well, more as a family, my brothers and sisters. People who have the heart in serving the Lord inspire me. People who serve Him humbly inspire me. The little kids inspire me. CDPC is a comfortable church, it is all from the Lord and it doesn't come in a day.

Dear Father, I thank You for CDPC and Your unfailing love to CDPC. Thank You Lord for this wonderful different talents that You gave us. May the church keep on seeking you and become more like You each and everyday. May the church is one that is faithful in Your eyes. In Jesus mighty name I pray, Amen.

Imagine me without You
As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
Till the end of time forever
You're the only love i need

In my life You're all that matters
In my eyes the only true i see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me

When you caught me i was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like You heard my calling
And You rushed to set me free

When i found You i was blessed
And i will never leave You, i need You

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day i'd be afraid
Without You there to see me through

Imagine me without You
Lord You know it's just impossible
Because of You it's all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can't imagine me without You

I moved in hostel for 1 week and 3 days already. Don't know what makes me so busy until i dun even have the time to sit down and update my blog. Eating some take-away lamb chop in the middle of the night... suddenly feel so hungry. Lucky I got my unfinished lamb chop ta-pao-ed.

Last holiday was really a great ones. I got my own retreat for 3 weeks without going back to Sarawak. The first week I went to Jerkoh, Pahang together with my CCF friends. It was a small chinese village where everybody seems to be related to each other! We organised a camp for the kids in SRJK Jerkoh. They were really adorable. I am so touched to see them on the stage performed to their parents. Well... there's really a lot to talk about these kids.

The second week I went to FGA place in Genting to meet up Noel's mom and his little sister. They had family camp there together with the church people. Listening to Simon Yu was like "wow..." Reminded me lots of things that me as a Christian have to live to glorify God and have really good relationship with God. Well, I got to be alert at all times, read His words...

The last week of my hols I went to Langkawi for 3 days and stayed 2 days in penang with Noel, and my friends that going to graduate soon and cynthia, all together 4 pair of couples. I wanted to go to the beach so much!! Thank God that finally I did! The trip wasn't quiet well planned as we didn't schedule ourselves on too many activities. But everything went so smoothly. We rented a van so that everyone can be together in just one car. We got good deal at Langkasuka Resort which is very comfortable to stay in. 2 big rooms with 2 double beds each. Alchoholic drinks and chocolate is so cheap in Langkawi. The first day there we bought one box of beer. Drink beer like drink mineral water. Bought my favourite dark chocolate and eat and eat and eat! The second day we visited 'pregnant mountain' by boat, then we went to see the eagles... so banyak of them in the sky. That's why Langkawi is called Lang-kawi because of he-LANG. Well, the best thing is the beach which we could only stay there for 2 hours. The water is clean and the sand is smooth! We played banana boat and got thrown out of the boat for 5 times! so fun!!! Didn't took much photos in Langkawi but anyway, the thing is I had FUN and I got my REST.

After my retreat, nightmares came. I got to move my stuff to hostel. Move again from Cyberia to hostel and from HB4 5th floor to HB3 3rd floor. Letihnye... I guess my muscles built up a little after that. kekeke. Moving house is NOT EASY at all!!! There's one day that I moved until I feel like puking the whole day. Thank God I got big strong friends to help me out.

The first few nights in hostel, I got kisses from so banyak mos mos. FUnny thing is that the first night they kissed mostly on my forehead. Sweet brainny juice... then the day after that they kissed mostly my hands and legs. ngeee....... so, I developed a new hobby which is mos mos killing. hehhe.. After a week, mos mos no more dee. Well, staying in hostel wasn't that bad. :D Yeah, the space is really small as me and my roomate are sarawakians, we really got lots of stuff to fit into this room. Thank God is that we got a bigger room, 3 persons sharing. Also Since I got my own table and cupboard, I took the single bed! I am still trying to get use to this place, but so far hostel is OK for me. :D

My Damee admitted to hospital. Bad news is that she got eye disease. Sometimes she has difficulties open up her eye. The doctor called me the other day asking me about her problem. It's been 2 weeks after the doctor called. I really want her to be back here. I need her to do something important for me. Damee, faster come back after you get well yea:) Damee is my korean student. I named my camcorder after her name to remember her.

aiks.. it;s 415am. I got class at 10 in the morning. ;) ta!~

Starting from tomorrow, I will be called as a Delta Year student. When people ask me about myself or when I introduce myself, I will have to say:" Hello, I am Phyllisia. You can call me ah mi if you like, Faculty of Management majoring in Media Innovation and Management, Delta/final year". whoa... final year man. Sounds a little like "phylli, you better be more mature ah..." ngeee...

Guess what, I am in the hostel. First day of me staying in hostel woohoo!!! hmmm.. It's not that easy to type in the dark though. Well... I think I better continue this tomorrow. Happy Final Year to me. Happy Daddy's Day to my super daddy too! :) 9a.m class. I better go to bed right now. chao!

Sarah said:" Phylli, go update your blog!" keekkeke... hey. I just did! hehe.. Good nite!

I've been having celebrating boxing day since 2 days before. Box up not just everything, but also something else.

Reason why I move into hostel are: 1st, it is my final year. 2nd it is because I would like to try staying in a hostel. 3rd is because I will have my internship on the 3rd trimester of my final year which is the last trimester of the final year. 4th is because it is cheaper. 5th is because I do not need to worry about the bills calculation. not anymore!!! enough for all the + - x / trainning and practises that I had. I can't handle money properly, I tried hard to learn but money still getting lesser or either I count it wrongly. I can never become a treasurer. I am serious. Or else, I will be broke. ok now 6th! is because it's really near to the lecture hall that I will not have to walk so far away to campus anymore. Save time, save energy. Rainny days? Not a problem at all! 7th, in hostel, you can download lots of movies:P 8th, access to the library database ( journals and most importantly the past year papers) will be easy. 9th, the bank is just nearby. 10th, the clinic is also nearby, you know... just in case of emergency. 11th, lesser house chores. Don't have to clean to toilet, or sweep/mop the whole living room and kitchen. Lastly is because I can experience the life staying in a hostel during my uni.

The bad things about staying in hostel are: 1st, I have too many things. I'm not sure whether the hostel room can fit in everything or not. 2nd, the hostel bathroom. Well, of course it is not as good as what I have now in condo. 3rd, there's always probability of kehilangan benda. e.g: undergarment, towel, slippers, shoes... anything that you leave outside the room. 4th, spotcheck.

It is not easy to move . ahh chooo!! ahh chooo!! itchy itchy!! dusty dusty!! my place is such a mess right now. Me? exhausted. getting sick. This sunday have to go mission trip somemore. ..aiks.. it's tomorrow. We are gonna organise a 3 days camp for 60 kids ranging from primary 3 to primary 6. God bless my nose and my body so that I'm able to bless the kids in the camp too!

Tomorrow is my last paper. woohoo!~
I've been sitting here the whole day. Now I really got no mood to study. BMG1034, Corporate Business Ethics. Business ethics while it's hardly to be ethical in the business world. It might be legal but unethical; or ethical but illegal. The ethical relativism is always determined by what one's society says is right or wrong. Sometimes, doing what is morally right according to the society can be conflicting to our own personal interests. hmmm... Follow the holy bible and it will never goes wrong. hehe... Nevermine, I will get over with it ;)

I am going to move into MMU hostel for the next academic year. I wish I could box everything by now. I really have a lot of stuff to box. A LOT! 1 study table, 1 computer table, computer(monitor, cpu, speaker, headphones), 2 printers, 2 book shelves, books, cupboard, towel rack, all my clothes, my shoes, 2 pails, mattress, all the small little things and all... oh oww... Anyway, I'll start boxing up things right after my exam! wheee!!!!

Are my lack of attention or something?

I admit. I can't do anything with my gregariousness. I might leave you alone, sometimes. No, most of the time. But... I still want your attention. Yes YOU.

Woman is just so hard to understand. Complicated. Maybe.. it's just me? So sorry for being self- centered and demanding.

Whee!!! It's exam time!!!
Just had my 3rd paper today. Essay, essay and more essays!!!
Guess i can become a good chef after the finals by "Goreng-ing" all the answers. hehe...

Well, this is the main reason why I have no time to update my blog.

I went to church camp 2 days before the final exam. Daring huh? :P
I am glad that I had so much fun in camp. I wasn't that crazy in camp, cause exam is right around the corner. Being an Ents isn't that bad too. We..... ta..lk.... slo...w....ly.... he... he...hee... =)) We didn't win anything but I think the idea for the bridge was brilliant! Simple and easy. THank you Peter Rowan for giving us such sermons. Yea... I almost fall asleep at some point, cause my body can't stand the tiredness. The fellowship of the faithful, I have loads more to learn. I manage to sit by the beach at night before I leave cherating. Missed the beach so much(even though we were feeding sand flies). Thanks Julesy for the company:) The nice cool breeze, the light house, and the moon!! It was like God's eye. Watching down from the sky. Sometimes, He put on sunglasses. hehe!!! I wanna go to the sea.

I have 3 more papers to go. Saturday, Tuesday and Thursday. Today I got an email from my very good secondary friend who is currently studying in Australia. Didn't expect that email though. :D geez... it makes me happy the whole day. She is busy. I am busy too. We all so busy. Hope she do well in her studies.

Today my de-stresser brought me to dinner. We studied together after the dinner. Nice nice!! :D Love you so much!

Been settling the air ticket booking for my brother. I don't go back home this time. BIG possiblity not going back.

Me wanna go to the sea!

Life can be really tough at times, especially when you are alone. I just don't seem to understand. Why A must happens to this person and B must happen on another person? Why can't B happens to this person and A happens on another person? What do You have in mind Daddy? You've got everything in your hands right? Must we go through all the bad things only then we can know you more? Are there any other way that makes me seek You rather than making it bad for me in order to make me seek You. Well, I mean a not so emotionally smashed kinda way. Oh dear... I don't mean to throw out these. I am just wondering. Ok... let's try this equation. Lord put bad things which make us sad. The purpose is to remind us of His grace, love, and mercy and to go back to Him. When we seek Him, the gap will be smaller. BAD+SAD= closer to God, stronger me. Why must it be that way? Why human tends to forget about God? If we don't then... will the bad things go away from us? Why must we sin? Why is Jesus the only way? Why God the king of universe so good go and die for me on the cross to pay the price that I am suppose to pay? I mean... me, such a tiny little dot on earth, i don't deserve all these. And yet, He DID all for me. God is good. God is always good and I trust that. Daddy, why is life so many stages? Is there anything like:" It is SUPPOSED to be that way! It is supposed to be like this! And you are supposed to feel this way! And when this happens, you are supposed to feel this way and do this."??? There are things that... might not turn out to be the way they supposed to be right? What will Jesus do when He got frustrated? Today, and yesterday too, many people got frustrated and stressed. My very dear boyfriend and friends that I really care. The weather's fault? Yea right... blame the sun. Oh well, somehow all that affects my emotion too. All I can do is to try my best to listen to them, tell them to be strong, to be patient, sayang them a bit... and of course bring them before the Lord in prayers. Please make me a better listener Lord. Life can be really mean isn't it? It goes out of our control at times. When it happens, it has to happen on me, just me. It is the matter of how you walk through it, the being strong thingy, the emotional control, the effort to balance up everything and the courage to take the next step through Christ. One more thing, being able to praise Him in such a time. This is what I think, and I know it's NOT easy. Easy for me to say, but it is far more harder for anyone to do it.

I read back my journal today. A blue little diary. From year 2006 ... back to year 2003. I see how God guide me all the way since I started my Uni in Malacca and now in Cyberjaya, those days when I went astray, and how God bring me back to Him. There were some stupid things that I feel like tear off the page. Those were really silly. I was like "What???!!! that's how I think and feel at that time??? UEKKK!!" haha... nvm.. I will keep the pages in complete one piece there are some good ones though'. I suddenly realize that I am away of home for a few years already. Of course I did go back every semester break... but yah man, I miss home... I went to Sharon's house today for dinner. Really nice to have dinner at a place like home. I wish to serve the college students next time, make them feel like home too! Invite them over to makan, give them vitamins, talk to them, treat them like my children and things like that... geez...

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

Text: Charles Wesley, 1707-1788
Music: Joseph Parry, 1841-1903
Tune: ABERYSTWITH, Meter: 77.77 D

   Jesus, lover of my soul,
   let me to thy bosom fly,
   while the nearer waters roll,
   while the tempest still is high.
   Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
   till the storm of life is past;
   safe into the haven guide;
   O receive my soul at last.

2. Other refuge have I none,
   hangs my helpless soul on thee;
   leave, ah! leave me not alone,
   still support and comfort me.
   All my trust on thee is stayed,
   all my help from thee I bring;
   cover my defenseless head
   with the shadow of thy wing.

3. Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
   more than all in thee I find;
   raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
   heal the sick, and lead the blind.
   Just and holy is thy name,
   I am all unrighteousness;
   false and full of sin I am;
   thou art full of truth and grace.

4. Plenteous grace with thee is found,
   grace to cover all my sin;
   let the healing streams abound,
   make and keep me pure within.
   Thou of life the fountain art,
   freely let me take of thee;
   spring thou up within my heart;
   rise to all eternity.

I still remember this hymn that I played in church last time, yeah a
few years back. This hymn is the very first hymn that I played in my
entire life.  Well, I start to appreciate hymn more when I have not
many chances to sing them.  

Bad news and good news: next week is the last time I can give tuition
to Damee--- a 12 year’s old beautiful Korean girl. It's a joy to tutor
her although I have to travel all the way to Ampang. Hopefully she
absorbed everything I taught her.

It's been tough for me last week and it's going to be even tougher
this week, assignments due, reports submissions, presentations, and
even a seminar to held. Indeed I'm trying to fulfill everything and
to attend everything. Guess I’ve been used up 120 percents of my all
150 percents. 150 percents? Yes, I always think that I have more
energy than others and always think that I am capable of doing
everything within a limited time. Activity comes after one another.
NON-STOP. Setting priority, time management, what should come first...
fuhh!! CoffeeS to reward and to give ummph to myself. I don’t
understand, I keep craving for coffee lately, yea… but phyllis, not
to that extend lar!! 2 cups in a shot and you want more?? Apu… and
I still can’t get enough of it! Oh well, I got stressed up when I think
that I’m not capable of finishing everything according to my own
standard. Akai... Fast paced, but I need to be even faster! Still
believing that I can do it. I was really down at some moments, but
God reminded me to trust in Him. Just like this Hymn, “Other refuge
have I none, hangs my helpless soul on thee; leave, ah! leave me not
alone, still support and comfort me. All my trust on thee is stayed,
all my help from thee I bring; cover my defenseless head with the
shadow of thy wing.” Wonderfully written isn’t it. Despite of the
hectic-ness and tiredness, I’m so banyak banyak blessed by the people
around me. Hmmm… feel so spoilt! : P I just feel so thankful and so glad
I have companions to walk with me and the supports given. Praise the
Lord! I learned to appreciate and be thankful this week. Appreciate all
of 'em, everyone, every moment and everthing. I have more than one
water tap at home, and what? yeh, the pineapple story.   

Owh yea! I finally have the gut to drive around this city. Ok lar.. I know
it’s nothing to be proud of. hehe.. But I’m! a biit?? Kekeke.. 

Alrite, me have to rest. Ok... me NEED to rest. My sorethroat is getting
worst... Sleep phylli, sleep tight...zzZZzzZZZzzzZ

Happy baby phyllis!!! These are the oldest photos I can find.(All my baby photos were destroyed by another baby who came after me)




Great parents. My super Papa Vincent and Mama Susie.
Super papa= School headmaster+ Math expert
Super mama= Dental nurse+ head of dicipline department

I am never good in math, not so self diciplined, and my teeth are easily get berlubang(not my fault, lacking of some nutrient i guess). They're never too hard on me, but at least they make sure I am on the right track, not too far away, had have their faith in me...yea.. i know... and i do have healthy teeth!! She fix all my rosak teeth=). I understand how hard it is to raise a child like me. Mom told me that I'm too 鬼 灵 精 怪. Lots of weird ideas. so, she also need to be very creative dealing with me.

Wonderful sister(in fact, the best-est sister)
She, 4 years older than me. She was shy and very introvert. But after all the years, I see how she bloomed into a beautiful, confident, independant, a person who really strive and serious towards every tasks, who speak out her mind, and someone that my parents proud of. Really thank God for giving me such a great caring and loving sister.



Naughty brothers. Always hungry. Food is the thing that please them most. =) Big brother Philip was not around since I was darjah satu. He don't speak very good mandarin and he don't even know how to write his name in chinese. But it doesn't matter anyway because we talk 'rojak' at home. Small mischievous brother Bennet. Baby of the house. Well, he is the youngest, what to do?? hehe no choice, everyone sayang him lah! The 4 of us were brought up by the same parents, same method, but turn out very very different products.

Yay!~! 21 years old Phyllis!!!
Slowly adapting myself with it. haha!!

Met my best-est friends. Sophia and Sue Ling. thoughtful and creative. Sweets wrapper and rubbish in my present. Cool!!! Some might think that it is disguisting. but i think it's really cool!!(the rubbish were all clean rubbish la) i know how long did both of you took to plan to come over. Miss you all so much lar.

Thanks to everyone who poured efforts on it. :) love you all so much. MUACKS!!!

level of happiness are rated from 1-5 the least to the most.

today.

Ratings and Events
5 Papyrus Art is officially a registered company! yay!!! very happy!

4 Finally Cross Cultural Management group assignment report is done!

3 Lecturer got a little shock when she saw the report. Can't blame her, because it is 102 pages long. Thick and filled with words! what to do, report what. so.. well, I don't really know whether is she happy with it or not.

2 Met and discussed with the lecturer on the seminar that we going to organise. As a group leader, i know i let down my group members, and the lecturer.. and me myself. Phyllis!! get alert leh! wake up!! wake up!! don't be so blur!!! should have just bring the paper! ish...

1 Tomorrow is my birthday. YEA!!! 19th of April is my birthday!!! hmm.. 21st birthday. Isn't that i am suppose to feel happy and excited about it??? Sad to say... I DON'T WANNA grow up sooooo fast!!! can't i just remain 20??? :(


CONFUSED HAPPY??? yeah.. confused.

Happy EASTER!!!

Happy happy when we wish happy Easter to others. Hmm... Because of Jesus’ death, and His Resurrections we get to wish our friends and family Happy Easter. He was born to die for the sins of the world. How great is that love. Too wonderful that I can't imagine. The wood, the bloody flesh, and the water comprise a picture of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. Our new life comes through the obedience of offering the chosen sacrifice to God.

Why? Why must He came and died on the cross for us? Why is that He as God chose such gruesome method to die? ... He wants to let us know the seriousness of sin. He came then we have a benchmark to compare to and a model to follow to. It's not easy to become the children of God, but when Jesus died and rose again, He made it easy for us. Just keep reminding myself not to waste His banyak banyak grace on me as his grace has given to me for FREE.

Glory to our Lord Jesus! Happy Easter everyone! :)

Easter cards are kept unsent. hehe... funny. shall post it tomorrow then.

Love this picture sooo much! just got it few days ago. keke.. soo cute (talking about the people or the soft toy???) :P
That's last year, almost Christmas! :)

Today I just had someone that i sayang that cried in my arms. Always, in this kind of situation, i will not know what to say... cause i don't know how to. But I believe my shoulder and hugs are all what I can give. Hug is the best medicine. It ease the pain that's deep inside and it indicate that somebody loves you and he or she cares for you. Holding her in my arms, see her crying like that makes my heart melts.

I seldom get sad and down because of the things happening around me. Always optimistic and cheerful, sometimes siao siao, that's me. Only bad relationship thingy makes me down and sad. DOWN!! really down. REALLY down. I can be mean to someone sometimes, but after a while, it will bring tons of guilt in me. Or, people being mean to me... erb.. sad sad.

I remembered when I used to have such relationship problems with my friend, which been dragging and haunting me for months. That makes me feel like dying. Asked God many questions. I asked God for answers, asked God for His forgiveness, asked God to cleanse me, asked God to take that all away, asked God to comfort me, asked God to hold me tight, asked God to give me good sleep at night, asked God to cheer me, asked God to give me a good day, asked God to not let us quarrel again, asked God to help me to run away from that, asked God to help me not think about it, asked God to mold me during that period, asked God to teach me, asked God to give me wisdom to face it, asked God to make me strong, asked God to teach me to follow His will, asked God to help me to take that as a blessing, asked God to help me to put all my faith in Him.... Papa, I'm so sorry that at times like that, I thank You because it's an obligation although some of them are truely from the heart. I told myself " don't worry, God has everything in hand. Phyllisia Ng Ling Lee, now you listen, you might not know what to do, but He is in charge! He knows what to do and He is always there for you. It will be fine! it will be OK!! "

Now, it's all over. I learnt to stick to Him no matter what happen and to put all my faith in Him. I know my Papa lead me through all that. He hold me tight in His arms and I know that He will never let me go. Papa, the pain still hurt a little sometimes, yes it is, but it reminds me of how You lead me through it, how much grace and love that You been given to me. Papa, thank You for Your big big shoulder and Your many many hugs! and many hugs from people who love me.

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