It took me a lot of courage to shut the door. It cannot be opened that easily anymore.

Today, I got to know that me and you broke up. I can't do anything to make you feel any better even though I wanted to.

Today, I got to know that me and you broke up. I can't do anything to make you feel any better even though I wanted to.

I am gonna cry no more. Well, I try not to. I am a brave girl! Yeah... live STRONG!

Phylli has a heart that cherishes her but at the same time the little heart break by itself. The little heart doesn't know it is capable of killing her by doing that. Pleading inside, Phylli asks it to stop.

Something bugs me. Today, yesterday... argh... recently.

Metal jumping in my brain. They can't stop. They just don't want to stop.

It's nothing wrong to have all. But it's just not right to have all.

I can't stop giving. I can't stop caring.

Me is me. Me weird. Me can't control.

Me don't wanna be so drama.

Me felt stupid.

Me don't wanna hurt anyone.

But at the same time, me... don't wanna hurt myself.

My ulcer paining. big big. It makes me headache. I couldn't talk properly. Let see how it looks like ok? Don't get disgusted. hehe... it is as big as my tooth.

Sometimes, women can be so confusing. All the time. Somehow at this point, I am. Why cautious? and... why not? How do I set a limit there? I have to be smart. The metal in my brain is jumping. It has to stop jumping all over my head. Wait... I need to look up. I better call Him up.

Last Saturday, my brother and I bought a SLR camera in Sg. Wang. The salesman got me a very cheap price at 3200 for that camera (body and lens). When Ben reached his room, he compared his camera with his friends' and he realized that the lens is different than the others. It was a lousier lens! The next day I called that person and ask him about it. He answered me that he couldn't change the lens for me unless I add another 650 for that camera. I argued with him on the phone twice... I got angry and upset after that. Really upset. I felt like I kena cheated!

I was on Doulos at that time. It ruined my mood and excitement. I tried so hard not to cry. I sms Noel telling him that I am upset. I was then outside the ship and I saw him standing at the deck outside of the kitchen wearing an apron. Seeing him, I know I missed him so much. Tear starts flowing out of my eyes. I couldn't hide them but lucky I was wearing my red cap and it covers my eyes. He saw me... And he quickly asked a person beside him whether he could just take a break. He took off his apron and passed it to the other person and he ran down to me. I wanted so much for his shoulder but he wasn’t allowed to do that since it is the rule of the ship. He looked at me and asked me gently:" Why? Darling…". Well, it is enough for him to just standing there and just to be there for me. Sigh... I miss him so much.

Noel and I started officially on 26-2-06, one year plus already. It was not easy for us to be together. Instead, it's really hard. We'd been going through such obstacles... It's a long story that I will not be able to describe it here but because of that our relationship became even stronger. Noel has been a super blessing to me, a special gift from God. He became my guide, decision analyst, sandbag... someone that became one big part of my life. Precious. We went to the same Christian Fellowship and at that time, I didn't know much about him. I remembered during CyberChristmas year 2005, I saw him performing on the stage. He was playing guitar while the spot light were focusing on him. At that moment, I felt like: “wow... this guy is just so "yao yeng" and very talented". Months after that I went to a camp in Kuala Selangor and he too went. That is where we got to know each other more... and later then, the chemical started mixing up together and heating up as well. hehehe... *blush* oh dear.

Relationship is just so complex that it brings all kinds of feeling to you. God be the head of our relationship and there is commitment between us. If not, very the hard. It is still not easy and there are things that shake me sometimes... I wouldn't know what is going to happen in the future. I am not that stable and I know you are worried at some point. Me too. I can get distracted easily. Well, looks like i got loads to learn isn't it? Love... It's not about changing each other, but learning to accept each other. It is about opportunity cost too.

One year ago

Recently

Imagine a heart-shaped container filled up with thankful liquid. Can you imagine that? That is how I feel inside my heart.
CDPC anniversary makes me filled up with thankfulness. Not only that, I am thankful for that very Sunday night. My Chinese Christian Fellowship had out own music cafe for the second time. It is called "LOVE Music Cafe" yeah, to tell people about the love from God. On that Sunday, I was singing in the morning in church and at night at the hall. Thank God for this wonderful gift and I know I need to use it for You. Sometimes, I sing out of tune on purpose. It sounds bad when I do that. Well, life wouldn't be so happy without singing.

We did Love Music Cafe once last year. CCF-ers come together makan, listen to nice songs and chit chat with each other... that was just nice. With a nice environment that we set up lights, little tables and nice back drop. This time, we make Love Music Cafe2 and we invite many freshies this time in a way to promote CCF and to know them. This time, we had a better one compared to last year. More people and we manage to tell them about Jesus. How Jesus makes changes in our lives. It turned out to be more like an evangelism kind of gathering. Well, just a little. I just hope we didn't scare away non-Christians. At the last song, I sang a love song to God, How could I live without you. Yah man, I would not be able to live without Him in my life, too many events that happened to me that I couln't count. After that event, after we done cleaning up the place, suddenly the strong wind blow like mad into the hall. The water in the pool was dancing. Wind blows on my face for so long. Wow, Thank God for that strong wind. It blows away all the tiredness.

The next day, I was sick. Thank God I got sick only after all the events.

People who came signed their name on this board.















From the left: Noel, Phyllis and Chee Meng.















This was made by my brother. Isn't it cool?!

CDPC stands for City Discipleship Presbyterian Church, it's not: 'Put Your CD Into Your PC'. But this is how we tought that dunno-our-church-name lady to announce our name during the Subang Parade performance. keke...

Last Sunday, it was CDPC 6th birthday. It was a great celebration as we brought a thankful heart before the Lord. I thank God that all the performances went well! It was really fun duet with Sarah Pastor told the church the history of CDPC and how God blesses the church till today. It started humbly at Malaysia Campus Crusade for Christ in SS2, Petaling Jaya with a handful of people.

I started joining this church 2 years ago when I came to Cyberjaya. They send a van to MMU to fetch us every Saturday or Sunday. So, I go to CDPC. It is an English church; I mean... a church that communicates in English. At that time, I still bringing a Mandarin bible and there are some 'bible jargons' that I not familiar with. It's not easy for someone like me who had stick with Methodist for my 19 years of life to change to another denomination. Things have to go through a Mandarin processor to an English processor. Slowly, God lead me through that process of change steadily. Then, I asked God to let me serve in the church and He did. I started to serve in the worship team and at the same time, getting know more nice friends in church. Well, more as a family, my brothers and sisters. People who have the heart in serving the Lord inspire me. People who serve Him humbly inspire me. The little kids inspire me. CDPC is a comfortable church, it is all from the Lord and it doesn't come in a day.

Dear Father, I thank You for CDPC and Your unfailing love to CDPC. Thank You Lord for this wonderful different talents that You gave us. May the church keep on seeking you and become more like You each and everyday. May the church is one that is faithful in Your eyes. In Jesus mighty name I pray, Amen.

Imagine me without You
As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
Till the end of time forever
You're the only love i need

In my life You're all that matters
In my eyes the only true i see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me

When you caught me i was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like You heard my calling
And You rushed to set me free

When i found You i was blessed
And i will never leave You, i need You

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day i'd be afraid
Without You there to see me through

Imagine me without You
Lord You know it's just impossible
Because of You it's all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can't imagine me without You

I moved in hostel for 1 week and 3 days already. Don't know what makes me so busy until i dun even have the time to sit down and update my blog. Eating some take-away lamb chop in the middle of the night... suddenly feel so hungry. Lucky I got my unfinished lamb chop ta-pao-ed.

Last holiday was really a great ones. I got my own retreat for 3 weeks without going back to Sarawak. The first week I went to Jerkoh, Pahang together with my CCF friends. It was a small chinese village where everybody seems to be related to each other! We organised a camp for the kids in SRJK Jerkoh. They were really adorable. I am so touched to see them on the stage performed to their parents. Well... there's really a lot to talk about these kids.

The second week I went to FGA place in Genting to meet up Noel's mom and his little sister. They had family camp there together with the church people. Listening to Simon Yu was like "wow..." Reminded me lots of things that me as a Christian have to live to glorify God and have really good relationship with God. Well, I got to be alert at all times, read His words...

The last week of my hols I went to Langkawi for 3 days and stayed 2 days in penang with Noel, and my friends that going to graduate soon and cynthia, all together 4 pair of couples. I wanted to go to the beach so much!! Thank God that finally I did! The trip wasn't quiet well planned as we didn't schedule ourselves on too many activities. But everything went so smoothly. We rented a van so that everyone can be together in just one car. We got good deal at Langkasuka Resort which is very comfortable to stay in. 2 big rooms with 2 double beds each. Alchoholic drinks and chocolate is so cheap in Langkawi. The first day there we bought one box of beer. Drink beer like drink mineral water. Bought my favourite dark chocolate and eat and eat and eat! The second day we visited 'pregnant mountain' by boat, then we went to see the eagles... so banyak of them in the sky. That's why Langkawi is called Lang-kawi because of he-LANG. Well, the best thing is the beach which we could only stay there for 2 hours. The water is clean and the sand is smooth! We played banana boat and got thrown out of the boat for 5 times! so fun!!! Didn't took much photos in Langkawi but anyway, the thing is I had FUN and I got my REST.

After my retreat, nightmares came. I got to move my stuff to hostel. Move again from Cyberia to hostel and from HB4 5th floor to HB3 3rd floor. Letihnye... I guess my muscles built up a little after that. kekeke. Moving house is NOT EASY at all!!! There's one day that I moved until I feel like puking the whole day. Thank God I got big strong friends to help me out.

The first few nights in hostel, I got kisses from so banyak mos mos. FUnny thing is that the first night they kissed mostly on my forehead. Sweet brainny juice... then the day after that they kissed mostly my hands and legs. ngeee....... so, I developed a new hobby which is mos mos killing. hehhe.. After a week, mos mos no more dee. Well, staying in hostel wasn't that bad. :D Yeah, the space is really small as me and my roomate are sarawakians, we really got lots of stuff to fit into this room. Thank God is that we got a bigger room, 3 persons sharing. Also Since I got my own table and cupboard, I took the single bed! I am still trying to get use to this place, but so far hostel is OK for me. :D

My Damee admitted to hospital. Bad news is that she got eye disease. Sometimes she has difficulties open up her eye. The doctor called me the other day asking me about her problem. It's been 2 weeks after the doctor called. I really want her to be back here. I need her to do something important for me. Damee, faster come back after you get well yea:) Damee is my korean student. I named my camcorder after her name to remember her.

aiks.. it;s 415am. I got class at 10 in the morning. ;) ta!~

Starting from tomorrow, I will be called as a Delta Year student. When people ask me about myself or when I introduce myself, I will have to say:" Hello, I am Phyllisia. You can call me ah mi if you like, Faculty of Management majoring in Media Innovation and Management, Delta/final year". whoa... final year man. Sounds a little like "phylli, you better be more mature ah..." ngeee...

Guess what, I am in the hostel. First day of me staying in hostel woohoo!!! hmmm.. It's not that easy to type in the dark though. Well... I think I better continue this tomorrow. Happy Final Year to me. Happy Daddy's Day to my super daddy too! :) 9a.m class. I better go to bed right now. chao!

Sarah said:" Phylli, go update your blog!" keekkeke... hey. I just did! hehe.. Good nite!

I've been having celebrating boxing day since 2 days before. Box up not just everything, but also something else.

Reason why I move into hostel are: 1st, it is my final year. 2nd it is because I would like to try staying in a hostel. 3rd is because I will have my internship on the 3rd trimester of my final year which is the last trimester of the final year. 4th is because it is cheaper. 5th is because I do not need to worry about the bills calculation. not anymore!!! enough for all the + - x / trainning and practises that I had. I can't handle money properly, I tried hard to learn but money still getting lesser or either I count it wrongly. I can never become a treasurer. I am serious. Or else, I will be broke. ok now 6th! is because it's really near to the lecture hall that I will not have to walk so far away to campus anymore. Save time, save energy. Rainny days? Not a problem at all! 7th, in hostel, you can download lots of movies:P 8th, access to the library database ( journals and most importantly the past year papers) will be easy. 9th, the bank is just nearby. 10th, the clinic is also nearby, you know... just in case of emergency. 11th, lesser house chores. Don't have to clean to toilet, or sweep/mop the whole living room and kitchen. Lastly is because I can experience the life staying in a hostel during my uni.

The bad things about staying in hostel are: 1st, I have too many things. I'm not sure whether the hostel room can fit in everything or not. 2nd, the hostel bathroom. Well, of course it is not as good as what I have now in condo. 3rd, there's always probability of kehilangan benda. e.g: undergarment, towel, slippers, shoes... anything that you leave outside the room. 4th, spotcheck.

It is not easy to move . ahh chooo!! ahh chooo!! itchy itchy!! dusty dusty!! my place is such a mess right now. Me? exhausted. getting sick. This sunday have to go mission trip somemore. ..aiks.. it's tomorrow. We are gonna organise a 3 days camp for 60 kids ranging from primary 3 to primary 6. God bless my nose and my body so that I'm able to bless the kids in the camp too!

Tomorrow is my last paper. woohoo!~
I've been sitting here the whole day. Now I really got no mood to study. BMG1034, Corporate Business Ethics. Business ethics while it's hardly to be ethical in the business world. It might be legal but unethical; or ethical but illegal. The ethical relativism is always determined by what one's society says is right or wrong. Sometimes, doing what is morally right according to the society can be conflicting to our own personal interests. hmmm... Follow the holy bible and it will never goes wrong. hehe... Nevermine, I will get over with it ;)

I am going to move into MMU hostel for the next academic year. I wish I could box everything by now. I really have a lot of stuff to box. A LOT! 1 study table, 1 computer table, computer(monitor, cpu, speaker, headphones), 2 printers, 2 book shelves, books, cupboard, towel rack, all my clothes, my shoes, 2 pails, mattress, all the small little things and all... oh oww... Anyway, I'll start boxing up things right after my exam! wheee!!!!

Are my lack of attention or something?

I admit. I can't do anything with my gregariousness. I might leave you alone, sometimes. No, most of the time. But... I still want your attention. Yes YOU.

Woman is just so hard to understand. Complicated. Maybe.. it's just me? So sorry for being self- centered and demanding.

Whee!!! It's exam time!!!
Just had my 3rd paper today. Essay, essay and more essays!!!
Guess i can become a good chef after the finals by "Goreng-ing" all the answers. hehe...

Well, this is the main reason why I have no time to update my blog.

I went to church camp 2 days before the final exam. Daring huh? :P
I am glad that I had so much fun in camp. I wasn't that crazy in camp, cause exam is right around the corner. Being an Ents isn't that bad too. We..... ta..lk.... slo...w....ly.... he... he...hee... =)) We didn't win anything but I think the idea for the bridge was brilliant! Simple and easy. THank you Peter Rowan for giving us such sermons. Yea... I almost fall asleep at some point, cause my body can't stand the tiredness. The fellowship of the faithful, I have loads more to learn. I manage to sit by the beach at night before I leave cherating. Missed the beach so much(even though we were feeding sand flies). Thanks Julesy for the company:) The nice cool breeze, the light house, and the moon!! It was like God's eye. Watching down from the sky. Sometimes, He put on sunglasses. hehe!!! I wanna go to the sea.

I have 3 more papers to go. Saturday, Tuesday and Thursday. Today I got an email from my very good secondary friend who is currently studying in Australia. Didn't expect that email though. :D geez... it makes me happy the whole day. She is busy. I am busy too. We all so busy. Hope she do well in her studies.

Today my de-stresser brought me to dinner. We studied together after the dinner. Nice nice!! :D Love you so much!

Been settling the air ticket booking for my brother. I don't go back home this time. BIG possiblity not going back.

Me wanna go to the sea!

Life can be really tough at times, especially when you are alone. I just don't seem to understand. Why A must happens to this person and B must happen on another person? Why can't B happens to this person and A happens on another person? What do You have in mind Daddy? You've got everything in your hands right? Must we go through all the bad things only then we can know you more? Are there any other way that makes me seek You rather than making it bad for me in order to make me seek You. Well, I mean a not so emotionally smashed kinda way. Oh dear... I don't mean to throw out these. I am just wondering. Ok... let's try this equation. Lord put bad things which make us sad. The purpose is to remind us of His grace, love, and mercy and to go back to Him. When we seek Him, the gap will be smaller. BAD+SAD= closer to God, stronger me. Why must it be that way? Why human tends to forget about God? If we don't then... will the bad things go away from us? Why must we sin? Why is Jesus the only way? Why God the king of universe so good go and die for me on the cross to pay the price that I am suppose to pay? I mean... me, such a tiny little dot on earth, i don't deserve all these. And yet, He DID all for me. God is good. God is always good and I trust that. Daddy, why is life so many stages? Is there anything like:" It is SUPPOSED to be that way! It is supposed to be like this! And you are supposed to feel this way! And when this happens, you are supposed to feel this way and do this."??? There are things that... might not turn out to be the way they supposed to be right? What will Jesus do when He got frustrated? Today, and yesterday too, many people got frustrated and stressed. My very dear boyfriend and friends that I really care. The weather's fault? Yea right... blame the sun. Oh well, somehow all that affects my emotion too. All I can do is to try my best to listen to them, tell them to be strong, to be patient, sayang them a bit... and of course bring them before the Lord in prayers. Please make me a better listener Lord. Life can be really mean isn't it? It goes out of our control at times. When it happens, it has to happen on me, just me. It is the matter of how you walk through it, the being strong thingy, the emotional control, the effort to balance up everything and the courage to take the next step through Christ. One more thing, being able to praise Him in such a time. This is what I think, and I know it's NOT easy. Easy for me to say, but it is far more harder for anyone to do it.

I read back my journal today. A blue little diary. From year 2006 ... back to year 2003. I see how God guide me all the way since I started my Uni in Malacca and now in Cyberjaya, those days when I went astray, and how God bring me back to Him. There were some stupid things that I feel like tear off the page. Those were really silly. I was like "What???!!! that's how I think and feel at that time??? UEKKK!!" haha... nvm.. I will keep the pages in complete one piece there are some good ones though'. I suddenly realize that I am away of home for a few years already. Of course I did go back every semester break... but yah man, I miss home... I went to Sharon's house today for dinner. Really nice to have dinner at a place like home. I wish to serve the college students next time, make them feel like home too! Invite them over to makan, give them vitamins, talk to them, treat them like my children and things like that... geez...

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

Text: Charles Wesley, 1707-1788
Music: Joseph Parry, 1841-1903
Tune: ABERYSTWITH, Meter: 77.77 D

   Jesus, lover of my soul,
   let me to thy bosom fly,
   while the nearer waters roll,
   while the tempest still is high.
   Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
   till the storm of life is past;
   safe into the haven guide;
   O receive my soul at last.

2. Other refuge have I none,
   hangs my helpless soul on thee;
   leave, ah! leave me not alone,
   still support and comfort me.
   All my trust on thee is stayed,
   all my help from thee I bring;
   cover my defenseless head
   with the shadow of thy wing.

3. Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
   more than all in thee I find;
   raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
   heal the sick, and lead the blind.
   Just and holy is thy name,
   I am all unrighteousness;
   false and full of sin I am;
   thou art full of truth and grace.

4. Plenteous grace with thee is found,
   grace to cover all my sin;
   let the healing streams abound,
   make and keep me pure within.
   Thou of life the fountain art,
   freely let me take of thee;
   spring thou up within my heart;
   rise to all eternity.

I still remember this hymn that I played in church last time, yeah a
few years back. This hymn is the very first hymn that I played in my
entire life.  Well, I start to appreciate hymn more when I have not
many chances to sing them.  

Bad news and good news: next week is the last time I can give tuition
to Damee--- a 12 year’s old beautiful Korean girl. It's a joy to tutor
her although I have to travel all the way to Ampang. Hopefully she
absorbed everything I taught her.

It's been tough for me last week and it's going to be even tougher
this week, assignments due, reports submissions, presentations, and
even a seminar to held. Indeed I'm trying to fulfill everything and
to attend everything. Guess I’ve been used up 120 percents of my all
150 percents. 150 percents? Yes, I always think that I have more
energy than others and always think that I am capable of doing
everything within a limited time. Activity comes after one another.
NON-STOP. Setting priority, time management, what should come first...
fuhh!! CoffeeS to reward and to give ummph to myself. I don’t
understand, I keep craving for coffee lately, yea… but phyllis, not
to that extend lar!! 2 cups in a shot and you want more?? Apu… and
I still can’t get enough of it! Oh well, I got stressed up when I think
that I’m not capable of finishing everything according to my own
standard. Akai... Fast paced, but I need to be even faster! Still
believing that I can do it. I was really down at some moments, but
God reminded me to trust in Him. Just like this Hymn, “Other refuge
have I none, hangs my helpless soul on thee; leave, ah! leave me not
alone, still support and comfort me. All my trust on thee is stayed,
all my help from thee I bring; cover my defenseless head with the
shadow of thy wing.” Wonderfully written isn’t it. Despite of the
hectic-ness and tiredness, I’m so banyak banyak blessed by the people
around me. Hmmm… feel so spoilt! : P I just feel so thankful and so glad
I have companions to walk with me and the supports given. Praise the
Lord! I learned to appreciate and be thankful this week. Appreciate all
of 'em, everyone, every moment and everthing. I have more than one
water tap at home, and what? yeh, the pineapple story.   

Owh yea! I finally have the gut to drive around this city. Ok lar.. I know
it’s nothing to be proud of. hehe.. But I’m! a biit?? Kekeke.. 

Alrite, me have to rest. Ok... me NEED to rest. My sorethroat is getting
worst... Sleep phylli, sleep tight...zzZZzzZZZzzzZ

Happy baby phyllis!!! These are the oldest photos I can find.(All my baby photos were destroyed by another baby who came after me)




Great parents. My super Papa Vincent and Mama Susie.
Super papa= School headmaster+ Math expert
Super mama= Dental nurse+ head of dicipline department

I am never good in math, not so self diciplined, and my teeth are easily get berlubang(not my fault, lacking of some nutrient i guess). They're never too hard on me, but at least they make sure I am on the right track, not too far away, had have their faith in me...yea.. i know... and i do have healthy teeth!! She fix all my rosak teeth=). I understand how hard it is to raise a child like me. Mom told me that I'm too 鬼 灵 精 怪. Lots of weird ideas. so, she also need to be very creative dealing with me.

Wonderful sister(in fact, the best-est sister)
She, 4 years older than me. She was shy and very introvert. But after all the years, I see how she bloomed into a beautiful, confident, independant, a person who really strive and serious towards every tasks, who speak out her mind, and someone that my parents proud of. Really thank God for giving me such a great caring and loving sister.



Naughty brothers. Always hungry. Food is the thing that please them most. =) Big brother Philip was not around since I was darjah satu. He don't speak very good mandarin and he don't even know how to write his name in chinese. But it doesn't matter anyway because we talk 'rojak' at home. Small mischievous brother Bennet. Baby of the house. Well, he is the youngest, what to do?? hehe no choice, everyone sayang him lah! The 4 of us were brought up by the same parents, same method, but turn out very very different products.